And the winner is . . . Stunned.

It’s Award season. Peoples’ Choice, Critics’ Choice, SAG, Golden Globes, Oscars. I love them all. What’s not to like when all the beautiful people get together? But here’s my big question: why haven’t we writers moved in on this great opportunity for freelance work?

One of the consistent features of the shows through the years has been the lame acceptance speeches by otherwise extraordinarily talented performers.

If you do the math, it makes no sense: if you are among only 5 who have been nominated for a category, out of 7,000,000,000 people on the planet, how can you be stunned when you win? Happy, yes. A tad surprised that you beat out the other 4, yes. But stunned? I don’t think so. Unprepared? Please don’t admit it.

Why don’t the winners have a decent acceptance speech ready, one that doesn’t include the words stunned, blown away, or speechless, or the syllables um, er, OMG ? We can help. Just ask us.

It’s embarrassing to watch a group of people who can memorize a whole movie script (at least a scene at a time) stumble over a simple Thank You speech; you’d think they’d be able to handle a list of names. Makes you wonder how many takes each of those movie scenes required.

Maybe they’re going for spontaneity, you say. Hello, they’re in Show Biz. They can fake spontaneity with a well-written script.

They hire experts to take care of hair, nails, make-up, tattoos, jewelry, shoes, gowns and tuxes. For a few more bucks, they can hire an expert to write a little speech for them. Something that combines humility, grace, humor, and intelligence. In fact, I’d do it for free if I could sit in the audience, preferably next to James Spader or Donnie Wahlberg.

But most likely I’ll be in my own home this month, with other fans, at my Oscar party. The party has its roots in a conversation I had, more than 30 years ago, when I went to work the day after the show and engaged in animated discussion with the women in my group. Once we realized we’d all watched the show alone, our male partners refusing to participate, we knew we had to get together for the following year’s gala. It was too lonely to cheer and boo alone. We did, and have been gathering ever since, except that now males are also welcome and attend the party in almost equal numbers.

If you’re close, come on by! Costumes encouraged. Help us rewrite the speeches.

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4 Responses

  1. Your party sounds delightful, Camille, and I’d love to attend for the camaraderie, and for some of the glitter. But not to listen to the “lame” speeches you describe so well. In truth, I usually have my nose in a good book during the Oscar Awards. But,yes, I check out the winners in the local Free Press–and admittedly, it’s fun to see pix of the million dollar costumes the women wear–that I could neither afford or even wear if they gifted me one! Vermont women usually stomp about in hiking boots worn on the sides and heels. Or “down at the heels” as the saying goes.

  2. Kudos on choosing a good book instead, Nancy! If it weren’t for the camaraderie, I’d probably do the same! It’s been fun over the years to get together for the quizzes and prizes that are part of it!

  3. Just plain funny!

    Can you think of anything you’d really want less than to have to write speeches for that occasion? Maybe that’s why the winners don’t either . . .

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